Saturday, 29 September 2012

Hello, I'm Back

I had no intention to stop blogging over the summer, but for some reason never felt like writing anything. Ever since coming back from Japan I just have this weird feeling. I am still not sure what it is.  I think it partly sparked from being disappointed in not being able to speak Japanese. I know, I know I don't study properly and am absolutely aware that my language ability is very low. But it was still frustrating to understand some, but never really be able to respond to anything. Unless it was in a 'classroom' situation, i.e. ordering food, paying for stuff in a convenience store etc.

Don't get me wrong. I had an absolute blast. I loved everything I saw. I loved the people I met. But once I got back to the UK it also hit me that I will most likely never live in Japan and never speak the language. Sure, I keep reading up on it and try to go through text books. But that's not the same than actually being able to hold a conversation.

It also doesn't help that my class was cancelled as not enough people were going on to the next stage. So I'm thinking that I should take this opportunity to instead of attending a class just schedule in my own study time and hopefully start to study properly. Before the class was almost an excuse not to study. Since clearly already attending a class was all the effort needed. So I'm not even sure it will be a bad thing!

It's a weird situation to be in. I want to learn to speak, but because when I try I fail immediately, I don't try enough. I don't remember how I did it when I studied English. I don't remember the studying part. I just remember being able to speak it. But clearly there must have been many stages in between where I could not speak and then I could speak a little bit, until I was fluent (more or less). Hmmm...

And don't ask me why but this also affected other parts of my life. So I started questioning whether I still like my job (turns out I do!). But so many people seem to be moving on at the moment. And I don't know what I want to be moving on to. I am actually happy where I am at right now. But this is also the first time in my life where I am not planning what's next, because I am at 'next'. There was always something: finish school, finish Uni, get internships, try to get the job you want, etc. So what now that I have the job that I want? Clearly I won't want to do this for the rest of my life. Or will I? Scary thought. 

Is this because I am 29 now, so I am freaking because it's 30 next year? But I have never been freaked out about age. Au contraire, I like getting older because everything seems to be getting better. Another hmm.

It's not even that I freaked out freaked out. I just thought a lot. I also find it weird that I have been in London for so long now. I have been here for about 4 1/2 years. That is pretty much the longest time I have been in a place since I have been 15. Before I stayed a year in the States, then a couple of years back at home, then half a year in a smaller city in Northern Germany, then just over a year in another, then off to Scotland for a year, over two years in Southern Germany and since then London. I think I am looking for change. I am expecting change and change not happening is making me restless. So since there is no outside change I have started 'inside' change if that makes sense. At least that's what it feels like.

So enough rambling for now. I guess what I'm saying is that I haven't stopped blogging. I have been thinking. I am still thinking. But now I can think and blog. So hopefully this means I am back. If somebody is still here to read. And sorry about this confusing post. I will try to do better in the next!


  1. I've been back in the UK almost a year and a half but I totally understand how you feel. I'm still not sure what my 'next' thing will be, but it certainly isn't where I am now. Even after three years in Japan my Japanese is really bad, and getting worse. I always get annoyed at myself because I just don't study hard enough, and I always make excuses. Anyway, I'm just saying I get how you feel. Hope you can find the things you need to make you happy.

    1. Hi Ali,

      Thanks for the message. I'm a bit relieved that I'm not the only one feeling like this. I'm sure it will come to me eventually, but I'm not a very patient person.
      Sounds like I am not the only one who is successfully avoiding to study. My excuse is usually that I am too tired after work. Need to find a motivational system to make it less easy to avoid studying!

  2. I was wondering where you went!
    I can understand where you're coming from. I'm at my 'next' too.. and now I'm just kind of like, "Well now what?" Trying to figure out what my 'next' will be, and I hope you can figure things out with yourself too~

    1. Yeah sorry for just dropping off the face of the earth.
      It's weird, when I was still studying I just could not wait to get to the next stage, have a job and not having to worry about anything else. Now that I am there it feels weird because I am constantly questioning what's should come next and how I should be working towards that. LOL.
      Hope we will both figure it out soon!
      And btw, thanks again for meeting up with me in Japan. I know it's always a bit awkward to meet new people. But I had a really nice time. Shout if you ever are in London so I can give you a nice tour ;-)